It is May 3 but I have to study the calendar page, again and again, to believe it true.
There was so much hope swelling just a few days ago as the temperatures rose to meet the clear sky and the trees clapped their leaves right open. I left the kitchen door open, welcoming in that breeze laden with earth and spirea, believing that a corner had been turned.
And then, everything changed. Again.
And I realize that this dependence on happenings outside of my inner spaces to make me happy is a hollow endeavor.
I see it in my oldest, too. The way his sweet disposition darkens so quickly when even the slightest cloud passes over. And how, even after the wind turns direction, he keeps looking for the shadow, as if he knows himself best in dimmed light.
The thing is, I'm bumbling along right there beside him.
I want all the goodness and light, the warmth and the rising, the new and the fresh. I'm so tired of the gray and clouded, the cold and the sinking, the old and the stale.
But this is our life. The gray and the blue woven in tight with the yellow and the orange, in and out, over and under.
Each day is cut from holy cloth, bolts of glory by the yard. And although I've never fashioned myself a seamstress, I know that patterns and textures can change when the light is brought in closer.
So that is what I am choosing today. To bring the light in closer.
I'm lighting candles and watching the golden flicker dance upon dewy cheeks.
I'm switching on lamps and hunkering down on the couch to read the pages filled with story.
I'm looking deep into eyes, looking for that holy spark, that kindling that ignites when noticed and held close.
And I'm laughing at the calendar, for it doesn't know what I know.
That today is a gift beyond measure and I am but a servant of splendor.
Linking with Emily for Imperfect Prose