{On turning 40}

Here I am.

I am here and nowhere else and that is okay.

And if I've learned nothing else these forty years, I am clinging to this truth:

It is this moment, right here, that breathes meaning and substance and contentment into every other moment that follows.

It is this moment that gathers and pulls, like a thread of gold, all the moments hitherto.

And I cannot think of a better fortieth birthday present to myself then to bathe in the glory of that.  

Because what is the rest of my life if I don't have right now?  

It becomes a crazy scramble, is what.  A vain attempt to make sense of the things that have happened to me rather than a gathering of the gifts that have been given to me.

And I'd rather not do crazy any more than I have to, thank you.

I think I will choose to slowly ponder the repast that has been forty years in the making and to recognize it for what it is...

something very good.

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I was inspired, recently, by a favorite blogger of mine and the list that she made on her forty-first birthday.  Although I felt like I already "knew" her through her writings, her list filled out the picture more fully.  So, I thought, perhaps, a list of my own might help you to understand me a little more.  I suppose lists are easy and overdone in the blogosphere but it is my birthday, doggone it and I will do what I want to, thank you very much.

Forty Things I Love

1. Early morning quiet

2. that I have managed to figure out how not to kill houseplants

3. my kitchen

4. Downton Abbey

5. photography

6. the first cup of coffee

7. cinnamon-raisin toast

8. the smell of clothes dried on the line

9. this song, on repeat, on my iPod, every day, as I write

10. experiencing epic books, for the first time, with my boys

11. gin and tonics with lots of lime

12. lifting weights

13. crisp mornings that pink your cheeks

14. apple fritters

15. pipe smoke

16. acoustic guitars

17. down comforters

18. Troytinis

19. sappy romantic comedies

20. the French language

21. nursing

22. zinnias

23. taking photos

24. not my feet

25. rooms lit by lamps

26. knitted scarves

27. rainy days

28. the sound of gravel under slow moving cars

29. bacon

30. birds

31. dogs. always.

32. the smell of a freshly mimeographed worksheet

33. and while we're at it, the smell of gasoline (I know, what the?)

34. my family

35. old houses

36. pesto

37. clean windows

38. fireplaces

39. chickens

40. my life

“Middle school is for being like everyone else; middle age is for being like yourself.”

-Victoria Moran