"Close the door.
Write with no one looking over your shoulder.
Don't try to figure out what other people want to hear from you;
figure out what you have to say.
It's the one and only thing you have to offer."
-Barbara Kingsolver
I wake at 5:00 a.m., pour myself exorbitant amounts of coffee, slip in the ear buds to my iPod, and plant myself in front of the computer for two hours.
It is dark and quiet and it is wonderful.
And it is crazy.
It is in this space that I am trying to figure out what I have to say, to gather up bits and piece of myself and, with trembling hands, to present them as an offering.
It is one of the hardest things that I have ever done.
To sit and muse, to poke and probe at one's deepest places, and then to just lay it out there
well, it is profoundly humbling.
Frightening, even.
I long for approval and head nods and pats on the back. I want to know that the pain of self examination is worth it. I look to the comments for proof that I should keep doing this. I secretly hope that some big-name blogger will, somehow, stumble upon this space and share me with the world.
But that is beginning to change.
Because, at its very core, this writing process...well, it's for me. I write to figure out what I am thinking. I write to make sense of it all. I write to discover who I am.
So I will keep waking at 5:00 a.m., I will keep drinking too much coffee, and I will keep my iPod programmed to repeat my "writing song."
Because in that space, it is dark and quiet.
And it is wonderful.
“Writing is a process in which we discover what lives in
us. The deepest satisfaction of writing
is precisely that it opens up new spaces within us of which we were not aware
before we started to write. To write is
to embark on a journey whose final destination we do not know. Thus, writing requires a real act of
trust. We have to say to ourselves: ‘I do not yet know what I carry in my heart,
but I trust that it will emerge as I write.’
Writing is like giving away the few loaves and fishes one has, trusting
that they will multiply in the giving.
Once we dare to “give away” on paper the few thoughts that come to us,
we start discovering how much is hidden underneath these thoughts and gradually
come in touch with our own riches.”
-Henry Nouwen
I'm struggling through this same things now. 5 am is VERY difficult for me. I'm rarely able to get up that early. I'm still trying to work out a schedule and rhythm that works for me.
ReplyDeleteBut keep writing. I'm reading, even if no one else is. :-)
Thank you Eyvonne. I'm faithfully reading you, too! I think that's part of the whole process--being inspired by amazing writers. Thank you for sharing yourself with me.
ReplyDeleteI truly relish each new blog. Ready to read and be amazed. I want to do the same thing you are. But finding enough quiet time to think is pretty impossible. It's something I dreamed of for years. But I've been through a time where dreams seem far away. I know that if it's meant to be, I'll find a way. But in the meantime I'll keep reading. So please keep writing. It's like viewing a work of art. Thanks for being you. <3
ReplyDeleteLori,I do believe that God placed you in my life to be the small voice, singing over and over, "You can do this!" I don't think I would be as apt to get up everyday if I didn't have your sweet spirit urging me on. I'll keep writing...you keep reading.
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